i'm so frustrated.

i need more money. so i asked for more hours at work. wish granted. i had 17 hrs this week and i supposed to work monday and tuesday afternoon. well the GM saw me running operator and had my boss send me home with only an hour of work for monday and told me not to come back tuesday. so now i'm back to square one. i work friday and saturday...the same schedule i worked BEFORE i asked for more hours. and the bitch of was with that paycheck i would have had the money for my insurance down payment i have to make. Miriam wanted me to go to lunch today but i told her no b/c i'm scared to spent more money than i have to b/c my paycheck got cut in half.

i feel like i'm spinning my wheels.

i decided that if work continues to give all the new people hours and neglect to work me when i really could use it...i'll be finding another job. i've loyally worked for these guys for almost a year and a half and this is how i'm treated. unacceptable.

thats not the only rejection i'm facing though.

i like this guy, his name is Justin and i don't want to like him. he works over at customer service and i'm friends with him on myspace. he seems like he has a personality alot like mine and he wants to be a elementary teacher. so regretably i've been having a crush for the past week or more....which i resent. after i had the revaltion to get over Willard i've been crush free for a couple of months since then. ah nirvana. but thats all over now. i don't miss this feeling.

i went against my better judgement.

i thought it over alot and then i thought it over some more. and finally i sent him a message on myspace. hey what's up? thats all i said. because nothing else sounded good or breezy enough because i'm sure he as no idea i like him. and knowing my history he probably doesn't like me back. so...now life has turned into a waiting game. while he's doing classes and working...not getting online and replying. i'm at home pruning in my bummed bath.

thats the trouble with thinking.

when you think too much you come to undesirable conclusions. i've come to this one, its just not going to happen. even though his myspace says he's interested in serious relationships but single...i'm not going to get to be that relationship for him...or even a casual one. now i'm in the process of whollowing in reality until i get over it. this could take awhile. i'm always slow to just GET OVER it. because there's always a part of me that doesn't want to.

its so pathetic i could cry.

the good news is there is SOMEBODY out there for me. who won't leave, reject or not like me back he's just taking his time in finding me.